he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
