Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
