Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
