Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
