At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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