Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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