Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
