When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
