So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
there is glitter all over my balls
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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