Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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