i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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