Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
