I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
