If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
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He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
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Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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