Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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