The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Two words: blizzard sex
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
