He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
