Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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