Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
