The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Your cock deserves a montage
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
