I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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