They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
