During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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