Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
