I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
