Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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