The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
