he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
