I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
