Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I didn't notice because vodka
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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