i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
