My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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