My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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