I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
