i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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