I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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