literally had 100 drinks last night.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
