Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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