The maid of honor just puked.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
