I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
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The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
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Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I came so hard my ears popped.
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