How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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