i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
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We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
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I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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