the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
