my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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