my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
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There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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