If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
