Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
