I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
