The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
