Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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