His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
