alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
