just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
