I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
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I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
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I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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